Jealousy Between Brothers And Sisters: How To React?

Fraternal jealousy is an ancestral feeling, as the myth of Cain and Abel further testifies: Cain, the eldest son, kills his brother, Abel, because God (the father) preferred the offering of his younger brother to his own. In all siblings, the resentment is fortunately not so violent, but jealousy between children is a common phenomenon. And it causes sadness, anger, and suffering. How can parents cope?

Do not trivialize

When they have been ignored or trivialized, the rivalries and resentments of childhood often resurface years later, at the time of serious family crises such as death or illness. This is a phenomenon known to notaries, who testify that conflicts related to inheritance are very often out of proportion with the amounts involved. The prejudice felt then is a resurgence of childhood suffering, and the terms used do not deceive: "darling child", "darling", "selfish".

Even in childhood, the feeling of inequality experienced by a child between his brothers and/or sisters is sometimes very lively. It may be envy, felt by the youngest with regard to the elder, whose prerogatives he doesn't have yet. Then, it's the sadness that predominates, which can lead to real depressive affects and the installation of a lasting inferiority complex. But it can also be the anger provoked in the oldest by the arrival of the last one, this spoliator, which, literally, dethrones. Most often, this gives rise to cries, crying, and recurring fights, which can exhaust parents.

A sense of normal jealousy

What is more natural, for the child, than to feel threatened by the arrival of another: no matter what the parents say, the intruder is convinced that he really loses a share of their love and their attention. And it's not enough to say, "I love you as much as your brother / your sister" so that this perception changes... It's just as pointless to argue that this jealousy is unjustified, which only adds to in the young child, the feeling of being misunderstood.

However, it's possible to relativize the harm: where the child conceives the parental love as a cake (whose parts will be obviously smaller if they are more numerous), it's necessary to be able to explain to him that this love isn't a finite resource: it's inexhaustible. It doesn't divide when the family grows, it multiplies. It's a bit like trying to share the ocean: take off on one side, the level doesn't decrease on the other.

However, the child hasn't fooled: the attention that can bring him every parent, it's not the same, especially when the rival is very small and requires constant care. In compensation, some find a real pleasure to be entrusted with the tasks and responsibilities of "big" in this care of the baby. But it's most often the ambivalence that predominates: to be great is good, but to be small, it has many advantages too! (There are sometimes real "regressions" of the elder, who are an attempt to return to the lost paradise, and that must be accepted for a while).

This is how children don't believe in the myth of the strict equality that some parents are trying to "sell" to them. And that's good: the brothers and sisters aren't equal since they are different! Unlike adult citizens, they don't have the same rights and duties, depending on their age. And it's at this stage that we can see how fraternal rivalry can be structured: if it's encouraged by parents, the finding of difference leads the child to assert his singularity, and therefore his personality. To differentiate is to grow.

Avoid comparisons and labels

Consequently, it's because each child is unique so it's really important to avoid comparisons. These have the effect of fueling rivalries between brothers and sisters. But it's a pitfall often difficult to avoid. "Take an example on your brother"... And when the parents abstain, grandparents, uncles or aunts, the good girlfriend or the elementary school do it then: it is so tempting!

However, the "sentences" heard in childhood are so many labels often stuck for life: a child who feels "stuck" in the role assigned to him will have difficulties - conscious or not - to venture out of the path that has been traced out of his "character". The "clown of the family" may have difficulty recognizing his sadness and forced to stay away from his emotions to continue to make his parents laugh. "The" sensitive "will have a hard time asserting itself.

Do not deny the phenomenon

Preventing a child from expressing jealousy or aggression (as denying any other feeling, for that matter) generates frustration and anguish, which the child can turn against him, especially through self-punishment or somatization. These feelings, which the child often has difficulty expressing clearly, can be reformulated by the adult: "I see you don't like that I spend so much time with Lea", "You have the impression that your little brother will take your toys only to bother you ".

It shows that the discomfort was heard to its proper measure. It's much more obvious then to "set limits" sometimes necessary: don't hurt with your hands or words, respect the integrity of the other, ensure that everyone respects the territory of others, are rules unavoidable. "When I protect the space of your little brother or sister, I guarantee you that I will protect your space too, let's discuss together what you want." Many parents are surprised to see how much the child can bring innovative and interesting solutions. In any case, parents are role models for listening and negotiation.

Preserve moments at two

Promoting the difference, the singularity, it goes through the establishment and preservation of spaces and time peculiar to each other. Ex: the siblings is a hell when it's a dilution, a "soup", where under cover of perfect equality, everyone always does everything together. How many adults say afterward, whatever their place (younger or older): "I always had it in the legs"?

It's important to spend time with each child. These moments of parental availability (discussion, games, drawings...) can nourish the relationship, but also reassure. They are especially important for children who feel neglected. They also allow them to make sure that their parent views them uniquely as distinct individuals. Finally, these private conversations can allow the parent to express how much he appreciates the personality that is built before his eyes: "Each of you is special. You are my only Leanne, no other little girl doesn't look like you. Nobody has the same thoughts as you, the same feelings, the same look... and I'm so proud to be your mother! "

In the end, Jealousy can allow the child to realize that he has to compose and assert himself as a unique individual, because he isn't alone in the world, even for his parents.

This feeling must be accompanied more than broken because the more we deny it, the more it's alive! To allow him to express it may paradoxically lead to brotherly love.